I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Your cock deserves a montage
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
