were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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