one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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