I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
