I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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