my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
My dad just said "fuck circus"
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
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