Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
