I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Randomize
