we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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