Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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