Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
