So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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