she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
