the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
Randomize
