Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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