And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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