I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
