A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
