You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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