I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
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