maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
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