I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
