Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
