I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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