You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize