that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
