i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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