Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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