Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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