i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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