yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize