You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Randomize
