I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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