My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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