Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
