He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
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