dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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