I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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