Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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