so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
