and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
