My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
