And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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