I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
