I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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