Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize