what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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