Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
COCAINE IS GR8
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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