I just threw up on my dentist
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize