After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
you never un-have a 4some
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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