can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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