I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
The uberlube is also flammable
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
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