ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
