Plan B is the new Plan A
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
