Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
