His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
