if i can run in heels then i can drive
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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