Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
