I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I bet he comes in French.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
